Bedtime Stories: Make Money, Not War
by Random Guise
Summary: A retelling of the movie "Kelly's Heroes" as a child's bedtime story about some soldiers who just wanted to put a little jingle in their pocket. I don't own these characters, and the only tank I've ever worked with is a fish tank.


**A/N: A retelling of the movie "Kelly's Heroes" for a kinder, gentler audience.**

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Bedtime Stories: Make Money Not War

 _"What story do we have tonight, daddy?" young Survey Sparrow asked her father. The attorney smiled at his daughter._

 _"I've got a new story for you tonight, Survey" Loftus Sparrow teased. "Now settle in and I'll tell it to you." He turned off the overhead light, leaving the nightlight as the main source of illumination. Survey shifted and scooted until she was comfortably nestled into her bed._

 _"What's this story called?" Her dad had a lot of tales for their Friday night story, but she thought she had heard all of them by now._

 _"It's called 'Make Money, Not War' and the main character is a soldier named Kelly. It's a good bedtime story because it's not about fighting very much."_

During the latter part of World War II the two sides of the war took turns standing on parts of France; first the Allied powers had a turn, then the Axis powers, then the Allies, then the Axis again.

 _"We were part of the Allied side" Loftus added._

 _"Did the Germans refer to their side as 'Allied' and us as 'Axis'?" Survey asked._

 _"Good question" her father answered "but since we won the war almost no one pays attention to the losing side. That's the way the world works, unfortunately."_

Because everyone was in such a hurry to trade places, sometimes people got hurt and had to go to hospitals and sometimes went home to get better. It was kind of like when you're on an elevator and it stops before your floor and more people get on and then when it's your floor you have to push and say 'excuse me' a hundred times to get out only to find out after the doors close that you forgot your umbrella in the back where you were standing. Except in this case the elevator was Europe, the people getting on and off were from all over the world, and no one ever said 'excuse me' as they rushed about in the rain and snow and mud and heat and no one had umbrellas.

 _"So it was a lot like when we went camping."_

 _"Yes, if instead of deer and fish you had tanks and other armored vehicles. But there were a lot of people in tents eating horrible food and sleeping in mud, so it was more than a bit like camping."_

One of these men was named Kelly, and during one night while his group was enjoying a fireworks show over them put on by both sides he starting talking to a German officer who had some big heavy bars in a bag. The officer wouldn't tell him where they came from until Kelly gave him lots of alcohol to drink.

 _"Like Mr. Jenkins down by the bridge who talks a lot and then falls asleep after he drinks enough from his medicine bottle?"_

 _"Exactly, except the officer didn't smell like old fish."_

The officer told Kelly where lots of the valuable gold bars were just before it was the German's turn to stand in that area again, so all the Allied soldiers left. Now in war it can be very confusing sometimes and hard to get everyone working together, because it is very hard work and not as easy as typing or delivering newspapers or even cooking. So after they moved to a relatively safer spot while the group's captain gave new meaning to the term 'shipping out' he let the men have some time to rest in the middle of nowhere.

 _"Isn't that kind of like Montana?"_

 _"Yup."_

 _Survey shuddered at the thought._

A man in charge named Big Joe wasn't happy because he was used to having fun stuff like movies and girlfriends and things. He didn't want to go make a bank withdrawal with Kelly because he forgot his ATM card back home in the United States, so Kelly went to go find some other help instead that would be interested in the gold bars. He met a man named Crapgame who never plays the game in the whole story, but he likes to win and he was very interested in the bars because soldiers don't earn a lot of money. Then he met a man named Oddball who was a free spirit and preferred to hang out living with all his tank friends than play soldier.

 _"Sort of like hippies" Survey noted._

 _"They didn't use that word back then, but I'm glad you understand the nuances of the Bohemian lifestyle. Remember, their chosen lifestyle is no less valid than yours or mine."_

 _"Even if they shower less often?"_

 _"Even then. But some are real good people, so if it bothers you just stand upwind when you talk to them."_

Oddball thought it would be nice to go visit the bank in the town of Clermont since he wasn't busy fighting anyway, but the problem was the town was in a place where the Germans weren't letting anyone else take turns being there and it was 30 miles away from the mud they were used to sleeping in. But everyone voted and decided to go to the bank too and maybe open an account and make a withdrawal.

So the group moved out with Big Joe in charge, and they drove through a town while their friends put on a fireworks show for the Germans that were still taking their turn. At the same time the party of the second part...

 _"No lawyer talk, daddy,_ please _."_

 _"Sorry Survey, it's just habit I suppose."_

Okay, Oddball and his people started talking like electricians, with discussion about positive and negative energy and waves and stuff while they planned on how to meet Kelly later. The heavy tanks needed bridges to be able to cross rivers because all the ferry boats were busy. They tried to take a train across the river but it and the people that ran the train wouldn't leave the station; they probably figured the bridge was going to be broken by the Allied planes, which it was.

Kelly and his group left their vehicles and went for a hike. While they were crossing a field Private Grace decided he wanted to be a farmer and become one with the earth. All the others then starting crawling while they searched the ground for insects and other things that farmers dislike. But a patrol of Germans came by and got into an argument with the Americans about farming practices until the Americans prevailed in their point of view. The group moved on except for Job and Mitchell, who stayed behind with Grace.

 _"They didn't want to go on with their friends? What about the gold bars?"_

 _"I'm sure they didn't think about the gold bars anymore; sometimes you find a spot you just end up spending the rest of your life at."_

 _"That's nice."_

While Kelly and the men waited, Oddball and his tanks showed up to join the fun, along with a marching band that could build a bridge. Kelly and his men managed to get across the bridge with Oddball and his remaining tank and sneak into the town of Clermont where the bank was, but the Germans were keeping it closed because of a bank holiday and the tank couldn't fit through the drive-through anyway.

Then the Americans and Germans got into a heated discussion about the importance of having the bank open because when you have a deposit it earns interest and there was a _lot_ of interest in the bank.

" _How does interest work, Daddy?"_

 _"That's a little complicated, Survey. If you'd like we'll cover it in our homeschooling classes next year while we study calculus."_

The leaders of the two sides finally reached agreement when Kelly told the German tank man just how much interest was in the bank and how wonderful it would be to spend the money on vacations and things. So the Germans decided to open the bank early so everyone could withdraw what was so interesting, and they all drove back to their jobs before the American General who wasn't de Gaulle showed up to give everyone medals.

 _"So did they go on vacations after that?" Survey asked._

 _"They sure did. The war ended pretty soon after that and they all went home again except for Job, Mitchell and Grace who stayed on the farm. How was that story?"_

 _"I liked it; it didn't have all that fighting and killing like those war movies they show. Thanks for the story Daddy, goodnight."_

 _"Goodnight, sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite."_

The End

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 **A/N: Just another somewhat violent story sanitized for the young. Let 'em get a little older before reality sets in, eh?**


End file.
